God told me, before i graduated, that I WILL go home and make mistakes. He knew I would. So why do I feel so guilty? As a writer (if you are one then you would understand) I tend to think too much into things. When I am writing a book, as I am now, I have to analyze every action of each character. I have to figure out their mistake, and then their reaction to it. But I can erase it and change it to fit my liking.
I can't erase mine.
But God can.
So, in knowing this, why then am I still having such a difficult time?
I found myself reminiscing to the year prior. Where I was compared to where I am. This time last year I was alone, dark, self-destructive, suicidal...I had no hope. But now...I am different, right? I AM DIFFERENT.
I remember first entering Mercy. I remember walking in the doors. I hardly looked up. I hardly spoke. I was so locked up inside of myself. I didn't know who I was.
I remember Thanksgiving. At the time, I hated it, but looking back I can now see the beauty that was in that house. The atmosphere was so cheerful, innocent, blissful. I was still blind at that point.
Then I remember Christmas. I had never experienced anything like it. Trying to describe it to you doesn't do it justice. No one could ever understand it unless they were there. If you close your eyes and picture yourself entering the gates of Heaven. The Angels rejoicing. The atmosphere being the most pure thing. Imagine laughter. Love. No worries. Excitement. Surprises. Singing. Beautiful Christmas lights. A strong bond with those around you, that you would almost think they were physically a part of your heart.
I like to freeze right there. I am standing in the midst of all the beauty. I look around as everything is frozen. I drink it in. I enscribe each moment onto the tablet of my heart. This is the closest thing to Heaven on earth.
I used to loosely use the phrase "This is Heaven on earth." To me, Heaven was a chocolate dipped strawberry. Or a warm cappuccino on a cold winter day. Or swimming in crystal clear water on a hot summer day.
But at this frozen second, I realize for the very first time, what Heaven really is. Heaven is not tangible. It is not a fleeting object. It is not a momentary satisfying feeling. No. Heaven, I finally realize, is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Self-control.
Wow. I love this post! I almost started crying...it is all the stuff we were talking about the other day :)
ReplyDeleteThat feeling you're describing about Heaven, at Mercy for Christmas...that is the feeling I had for many many years with my family, my wonderful family all around me. Its the feeling of safety, security, peace, and like no surprises are going to come, unless they're good surprises. Everything is as it seems...no secrets.
Its such an amazing feeling that I understand now why I had so many moments of darkness when I first got married and moved to TN. Living in a strange house, with a strange person who didnt understand me, in an unsafe neighborhood, with medical problems piling up and no money to pay for them, losing jobs and leases running out and the timing of things NEVER seeming to go right...
My husband couldn't understand what was wrong with me because he was more used to the kind of stuff that was going on, and his lack of sympathy made it even harder. But 2 years later, I was able to look back and realize how much sense it made that I fell in to such despair. It was all about the place of perfect peace and safety I had come from. Going from serenity/Heaven on earth to total chaos and fear is enough to break even the strongest person!! So of course there are going to be your moments of struggle going from the taste of Heaven that was at Mercy to the stark realities of home.
But the truth is, Mercy is a very rare place...like the Christian college I was at and the wonderful Christian home I was brought up in. I've learned that most places on earth are not like that, and we can't stay in them all the time. Instead, God's design is for us to get moments of refreshment and rest from them, but then move back out into the real world and CARRY that refreshment and rest with us, in HIM.
Because it came from Him in both places. The peace, safety, joy, relationship, refreshment, rest...it had nothing to do with the surroundings or even the people at Mercy or at my college, the source was HIM! And HE is still the same...yesterday, today, and forever...Heb 13:8. So our journey is to learn how to find those things wherever we are, in Him. It is not about whether they are there, but how well we are able to recognize them.
And the recognition comes through faith. So keep on fighting for that faith and the mind renewal that will transform you. It doesn't say "Transform yourself" by the renewing of your mind. It says that as you fight to see things according to truth (renew your mind), regardless of how you feel, you will BE transformed. You WILL get stronger, and it will all get easier.
Love you, Hero!