Heaven

Lately I have been having a hard time. I have been feeling like a failure. I feel as though I haven't changed much at all. I feel condemned for my mistakes.

God told me, before i graduated, that I WILL go home and make mistakes. He knew I would. So why do I feel so guilty? As a writer (if you are one then you would understand) I tend to think too much into things. When I am writing a book, as  I am now, I have to analyze every action of each character. I have to figure out their mistake, and then their reaction to it. But I can erase it and change it to fit my liking.

I can't erase mine.

But God can.

So, in knowing this, why then am I still having such a difficult time?

I found myself reminiscing to the year prior. Where I was compared to where I am. This time last year I was alone, dark, self-destructive, suicidal...I had no hope. But now...I am different, right? I AM DIFFERENT.

I remember first entering Mercy. I remember walking in the doors. I hardly looked up. I hardly spoke. I was so locked up inside of myself. I didn't know who I was.

I remember Thanksgiving. At the time, I hated it, but looking back I can now see the beauty that was in that house. The atmosphere was so cheerful, innocent, blissful. I was still blind at that point.

Then I remember Christmas. I had never experienced anything like it. Trying to describe it to you doesn't do it justice. No one could ever understand it unless they were there. If you close your eyes and picture yourself entering the gates of Heaven. The Angels rejoicing. The atmosphere being the most pure thing. Imagine laughter. Love. No worries. Excitement. Surprises. Singing. Beautiful Christmas lights. A strong bond with those around you, that you would almost think they were physically a part of your heart.

I like to freeze right there. I am standing in the midst of all the beauty. I look around as everything is frozen. I drink it in. I enscribe each moment onto the tablet of my heart. This is the closest thing to Heaven on earth.

I used to loosely use the phrase "This is Heaven on earth." To me, Heaven was a chocolate dipped strawberry. Or a warm cappuccino on a cold winter day. Or swimming in crystal clear water on a hot summer day.

But at this frozen second, I realize for the very first time, what Heaven really is. Heaven is not tangible. It is not a fleeting object. It is not a momentary satisfying feeling. No. Heaven, I finally realize, is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Self-control.

Amazing Grace

I have been out of Mercy for about 3 + weeks now. It has, by no means, been easy. Transition, for any reason, is always a challenging shift. It really tests your faith, and beliefs. It tests how authentic your relationship with Abba really is.

I have been job hunting. I hate it. Who would like it? I have to get my license, but before I do, I have to re-fax a medical release form to Nashville. Wait for my doctor down there to fill it out. Fax it back. Take it to S.O.S and then proceed to take a test. Yup. Then get car insurance. Then get plates. Just a long drawn out process.

It was beginning to take it's toll on me. I was becoming so overwhelmed. I started making small compromises. Those lead to feelings of failure. I was feeling condemnation, guilty. And so alone. Going from 40 sisters under one roof, and plenty of supportive staff 24/7 to no one around...that's a large adjustment.

But God it sooooo Good.

The one night where I was beginning to feel utter defeat, God completely showed Himself. The night prior i laid on my floor begging God to just hold me. He spoke to me so much within the next 24 hours. He knew I felt alone. And He was letting me know...I am not alone. And that was the first thing He told me that day, through Michael Jackson, of all people...his song, You're Not Alone. I don't exactly know what prompted me to listen to Michael (honestly...I am not much of a fan). But the lyrics read, "Another day is gone, and I'm still alone. Everyday I sit and ask myself 'How did love slip away?' Something whispers in my ear 'You're not alone, I am here with you. Though we're far apart, You're always in my heart. Just the other night I thought I heard you cry asking me to come and hold you in my arms. I can hear your prayers. Your burdens I will bear. But first I need your hand, then forever can begin.'"

That wasn't the end of it. No. He went on to give me a vision of myself. I was walking alone in a field, and stumbled upon a swarm of mosquito's. They bombarded me and began sucking out all of my blood. Then God said, "If you continue walking without me, the life will continue to be sucked from you."

He reminds me that this is not impossible, because with him, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

Rest My Child

I have been hearing a lot about 'rest'. At first I didn't really understand why. Resting seemed simple, yet so complex when you break it down. I mean, according to the world, what does rest really mean?

I polled a few people that I know personally to see what they thought it meant in their own words. One person described rest to be Emptiness (to empty one's head and allow any thoughts to come in instead of directing them); Letting go of control; Release; Recharge. Another said that resting means sleeping; clearing one's mind from life's thoughts and focus on God's glory; a state of mind. A college student at Ball State University in Indiana believes rest to be stopping everything; forgetting everything; and taking a break. The Online Webster's Dictionary defined rest to be Freedom from activity; Stay the same; Sleep, somber, or death.

But I wondered what God considered to be rest when He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” Mark 6:31.

Does God really want me to stop everything? What about people in ministry (which technically should be all of us)? Should they pause their duties? What then would the church do?

God has been telling me for the past few months to rest. But as most know, I was in Mercy Ministries, and resting completely wasn't much of an option. I had things I had to do, assignments that needed to be finished. God, what exactly are you wanting me to do then?

I know it may be simple, but God was asking two different things from me when He said, and I quote, "You're going to be able to learn to press forward, and how you can move forward, and how you can embrace all the things I am speaking that are truth, but at he same time really walk in a place of rest."

What?!

But hang on, He clears things up in a second. He then told me, "Because, daughter, rest is really not about how much you're doing, it's really about the attitude of your heart."

So, by the definition we are taught by the world, rest is about what you are and are not doing. But God says it has nothing to do with that. It makes sense to me, now, why I was so exhausted and overwhelmed. I was trying to hold things in place, while God was trying to move them. All He wanted me to do was shift my attitude from a worldly perspective, to His.